Pastry Fail

4 Apr

I think that being able to cook your own food and to not be scared of trying new things, whether they’re tastes or something you thought would be too complicated – like profiteroles or bone marrow pie funnels for instance – is hugely important, and no one should be worried about having to knock something up for supper or when having people over. Don’t get me wrong, a lot of the time I don’t WANT to cook, but it’s nice to know I’m able to.

Over the last few years I’ve been really surprised by how calm I am in the kitchen, and how if something goes wrong I tend to do a quick bit of heavy swearing and then just start again or try and fix it. Until Tuesday. Until Tuesday when I tried to make some pastry and a Hulk rage took over. NEVER EVER EVER AGAIN. Except for tomorrow when I’m attempting to hand make pasta without a machine.

I knocked this together the night before and let it rest in the fridge. I chopped the big ball of it in half to make it easier to manage and started to roll it out to line some tart cases. It was cracking quite a lot but on went a rictus grin and I kept it up.

Tits, arse and tits again. I went to roll it out again. It didn’t crack so much this time, so that was good. Yaaay.

Then I tried to lift it to put it over the tart case.

At this point my boyfriend was suddenly concentrating very hard on his work while I mimed taking the window out with the rolling pin and hissing. I tried to put it together again to roll it out. Again.

Omg. Omg I hate you so much. One more go. One more go.

I gave up on that bit of dough as it was getting very warm and just crumbling and being SHIT. SO SHIT. I think I whacked at it with the rolling pin for a bit until my arm started to hurt. By now my mum had slunk out of the kitchen just in case she breathed too loudly or tried to suggest something that might help.

I started on a new bit of the dough and FINALLY FUCKING FINALLY OH MY GOD got it to line one of the cases. And then had to do it twice more. I tried that first bit of dough again to make a nice even four, and then flung it into the bin trying not to then set fire to it.

Isn’t all the patching around the sides good?

I had to blind bake these to fill later, so had a fight with some grease proof paper and some baking beads. Finally though, it was coming together.

ONLY THE BASE WOULDN’T COOK ENOUGH UNDER ALL THE BEADS AHAHAHAHHAHAH.

I poked some holes in to try and stop it rising while I browned it off a bit.

Finally, though, I had some slightly crappy but DONE, actually FINISHED pastry cases for the pudding I was making. Not the four I had hoped for, but one for me, one for The Chap, and one for my mum. Phew. Aaaaaaand, relax.

You know what? Just put it in your bum. Whatever. I don’t even care.