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Book Club: Fifty Shades of Grey

8 Nov

50 Shades of Grey
So. I finally did it. I bit the bullet and bought Fifty Shades of Grey. Obviously not the actual book, Jesus, I just downloaded it to my Kindle app. The last thing I wanted was anyone to actually know I was reading it – to the point that I would only read it on my phone and not my iPad so that no one could look over my shoulder and see the title at the top.

My first complaint is OH MY GOD how much shit do we have to get through until there is some actual sex? So. Many. Awful. Words. Forever. Fifty Shades of Grey is like reading a teenager’s attempt at creative writing. I’m definitely not saying I could write any better – please see this website for proof – but good God. I, like everyone else, only bought this for all the banging! WHERE IS ALL THE BANGING?

Secondly, as I understand it, Fifty Shades started out as Twilight fan fiction. I have never read it or seen the films but… How? How is this fan fiction? Is the glittery vampire man always spanking Greasy Hair Scowly Face? Is he also a millionaire? WAS HIS MOTHER A CRACK WHORE?! I don’t understand. Please, if Edward Cullen is making Kristen Stewart wear expensive stainless steel love eggs to make him a cup of tea let me know and I’ll illegally stream the whole fucking thing.

My biggest complaint is the sex, when we finally get to it. Is this what apparently got every middle-aged woman in the country buying paddles and handcuffs from Ann Summers? There isn’t even that much of him slapping her about. Most of it is them shagging in a shower while she bores on in her head about how much she loves him after, like, a week. Of course you do love, he’s a millionaire who flies his own fucking helicopter and BOUGHT YOU A CAR. At one point he makes her listen to choral music while he rubs her down with a fur glove. Maybe I’m really sheltered and that’s a name for something really dirty but if it isn’t I don’t even understand what’s happening here. Also, gross. Who has to wash that? The filthiest thing in the book is him taking her tampon out. Only, it doesn’t even say tampon, it just hints at it with ‘blue string’. I can’t even….  This is about as S&M as not putting any fabric conditioner in when you wash your knickers.

Most of the book is all weepy romantic bullshit about how she loves him but doesn’t know if he loves her. And then, when it finally seems like maybe there’s suddenly going to be an actual story, it ends. I thought I’d skipped a load of pages while blow drying my hair. But nope. That was it. The end. DONE.

So basically the entire book is an utter load of wank. Only not literally. It’s just dreadful. I’m downloading the second one right now.

 

**UPDATE**
I’ve just remembered that she seems to be totally obsessed with his feet too. What the fuck is that about?

 

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