Five Guys, Angel

4 Feb

Five Guys

On Saturday The Chap went up north (Angel) to meet some of his friends from University for a drink. A combination of us being early and other people’s trains being delayed meant we had lots of time to pootle round on our own with me complaining about how much I hate north London. I complained SO MUCH that my boyfriend resorted to the only thing that ever shuts me up: the offer of a burger.

We went to Five Guys to finally see what the fuss was about. The restaurant itself could be really cool – it’s all red and white and a bit minimalist. Unfortunately the result just looks cheap and grubby, like a school canteen trying to be a bit trendy. The walls are covered in positive reviews which would be a nice touch but it just seemed a bit desperate.

Food-wise the idea is you choose your burger from a choice of a good old burger, cheeseburger or a bacon cheeseburger. This comes completely plain and then you choose your toppings and sauces. The soft drinks are refillable which is a plus, but if you don’t order any sauce for your burger be warned that your refillable options are as follows:

Five Guys

In a tizz of whinging and hunger I gave The Chap carte blanche with my order asking only for a cheeseburger (I didn’t know about the bacon, guys. I’m still sad about it.) with whatever. He added grilled onions, green peppers, lettuce and – wtf dude? – tomato. Tomato has no place in a burger. He went for a hotdog which I didn’t even look at because who cares?

The Chap returned to our table with a big brown bag of food. My burger was wrapped in foil and when I unwrapped it it looked quite squashed, but in a perfectly pleasant way. Actually, it looked pretty bloody good. In fact, I was so excited about eating it I couldn’t even wait to take a photo, instead I just took a massive bite. I picked the tomato out first, obviously.

Five Guys

Aaaaannnnnnnd…..! It was utterly, utterly tasteless. I don’t mean that it wasn’t full of flavour or that something overpowered something else, I mean that it literally tasted of nothing. I had to put two sachets of salt on the meat just to work out what I was eating. The patties seemed to be completely unseasoned and while there were plenty of grilled onions in there, and lots of cheese, I just couldn’t taste a single thing. Until I got to the tiny lump of peppers shoved in the middle of the base of the bun. Then they were all I could taste. It was a massive shame really as the texture of the burger was great – the meat was tender and not at all chewy, the lettuce was nice and crisp and the cheese was the sort of perfect melty-plasticy and didn’t stick to the roof of my mouth or my teeth or anything else gross. It could, and should, have been a great burger, it just wasn’t.

Five Guys

Let’s talk chips. All the chips are fried in pure peanut oil at Five Guys, and I’ve heard good things about them. The portions are absolutely massive and even sharing them with the dustbin that is The Chap we didn’t manage to finish one between us. On the downside though they didn’t blow my mind. They tasted like skin-on chips from any and every pub. There wasn’t anything wrong with them per se, they just weren’t exactly a shining beacon in the darkness that was this meal.

All in all, I won’t be going back. Ever. It just wasn’t worth it. Especially not at £22.50. Which isn’t exactly breaking the bank, but for what is essentially fast food and not a proper, sit-down meal was pretty grating.

Thankfully we went on to Bierschenke and after a lot of beer, several Jägerbombs and four shots of schnapps I got over my disappointing burger lunch. And did sitting-down-dancing to an Oompah band covering The Proclaimers.

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8 Responses to “Five Guys, Angel”

  1. Raheem Kassam February 4, 2014 at 2:43 pm #

    You’ve lost your burger credentials. Also, who puts lettuce in a Five Guys burger. Or needs sauce? You need educatin’.

    • Sarah Duggers February 4, 2014 at 2:44 pm #

      You need to check yourself. It didn’t matter what was in it as NONE OF IT TASTED OF ANYTHING.

  2. Catherine Lux February 4, 2014 at 5:18 pm #

    Ah man, devo. I’ve been wanting to go for so long, but I’m too scared in case I have the same view as you. There are just so many good burger places in London for roughly the same price as Five Guys (*drools* Honest Burgers *drools*), that they can’t compete. Who wants a fast food burger for the same price as a Byron, Patty and Bun or Honest burger?! Seriously! They need to GTFO of London. They belong on the side of motorways and in small towns.

    • Sarah Duggers February 4, 2014 at 5:20 pm #

      So many people love it I guess it’s worth a go but I was so disappointed. I also could have killed for a Meat Liquor at the time too. I am totally obsessed with the Tribute burger at Protobello Honest – it’s SO good. I am a total sucker for American cheese.

  3. iamjonturner February 11, 2014 at 7:54 pm #

    You should get on down to Shake Shack in Covent Garden, best damn burgers in London.

    • Sarah Duggers February 11, 2014 at 7:56 pm #

      Next on the list! I follow them on Instagram to torture myself.

      • iamjonturner February 11, 2014 at 9:31 pm #

        The queue is a bit much, so I would recommend going there quite late in the evening. The first time I went was at 8:30PM on a Thursday, there was a queue of about 7 people, and no tourists clogging up the Market Building. Bliss.

        However, I went there Saturday, and it was so busy they gave me an extra burger by mistake. For free. So business has its perks I suppose.

      • Sarah Duggers February 12, 2014 at 8:19 am #

        Brill, I like a bit of expert advice when it comes to not having to queue. Now of course I just want a burger for breakfast.

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