Now I ain’t sayin’ she a gold digger…

15 Nov
I spotted this today:
What Should I Do To Marry A Rich Guy? 

Being only half way through ravaging my sandwich I gave it a read. It’s quite good fun. Or some sort of post-bra burning nightmare. Take your pick. Though my boyfriend tells me it’s a spoof and that it did the rounds about a year ago.APPARENTLY a woman posted on a “popular” yet unnamed forum (alarm bells) asking for help with her quest to marry some dollllla. Where do rich guys hang out? Why are some rich wives so plain? What age group would it be best to point her boobs at? And, my favourite, how do rich men decide who can be their wife, and not just their girlfriend?

While outing yourself as a bit of a twat on the internet is nothing new (hiiiii!!!), this has gone viral again – i.e it popped up on my Twitter timeline – because SUPPOSEDLY a JP Morgan CEO left the girl, who signs off Ms. Pretty, a reply.
He basically pointed out that what she’s suggesting is that a husband would essentially swap his high salary for her good looks. But that while a man’s salary may go up every year, her beauty will basically wither and die with every passing day, or something. So it isn’t really a fair deal. He also says that men earning the sort of cash she wants aren’t stupid so aren’t ever going to marry her and that if she really wants some money, why not earn it herself?

While the whole thing is bollocks, the reason people care enough to share it around (hiiii again!) is because it raises some interesting points. Sort of. I’ve got absolutely no problem with people marrying for money if that’s what they want – as long as both parties know what’s going on I don’t really see what the issue is. Basically what you’ve just done there is sign a business contract witnessed by GOD. Up to you. But what makes me sad right in my very face is girls who think like our fictional Ms. Pretty, because unfortunately they do exist.

So, being oh-so-wise and just generally just, y’know, good at life, I thought I would go through the questions and also point out that not all men are the WAGs of the martial pool, picking up some nubile young thing like the latest Mulberry.

What I like about this is that I’m answering them like I know. Like I’m dripping with diamonds in my Holland Park pad, just tapping away at my iPad and screaming at the au pair, not sitting in an office in four year old Ugg boots and Accessorize earrings.

1) Where do most rich bachelors hang out? (Please list down the names and addresses of bars, restaurant, gym)
In expensive places. That’s not exactly a hard one, is it? But also anywhere as most people aren’t snobbish idiots who give a shit. Though it would be sad to lose the over-done girls who sit in costly hotel bars nursing a single glass of house white until a fat sweaty man with a gigantic watch decides to buy them a drink and bang them. I love those girls. Mainly because if they’re lucky in a few weeks they end up in someone else’s game of Daughter, Girlfriend, Hooker? in Brinkley’s on a Thursday night.

2) Which age group should I target?
The ones who are old and nearly dead, obviously. I mean, just a crazy fucking idea here, why not someone you fancy? As someone who has chased the silver fox (child of divorce) I am very much of the ‘age is just a number’ school and if you fancy old men, go for old men, it’s the same as going for blondes over redheads but seriously, come on. You really think someone is going to be so stunned by the fact your nipples still point up that they’re not going to realise you’re thick, terrible at conversation and completely embarrassing in company that they’ll put a ring on it? Put a ring on THAT, gold diggers! I don’t know what I mean either.

3) Why most wives of the riches are only average-looking? I’ve met a few girls who don’t have looks and are not interesting, but they are able to marry rich guys.
This bit does genuinely piss me off. And yes, I realise that I’m getting cross over an internet hoax which basically makes me one of those middle-aged women who forward around things about email attachments. Firstly OMG did you know women are allowed money too?! IKR? That’s actually a thing now. Also, for those of you from the old school, maybe they had family money. It tends to like hooking up with its own. Secondly, perhaps all these haggard boilers are lovely people, who are funny, kind, caring and intelligent. Just throwing it out there but sometimes that’s actually more important than looking like a sex doll. I mean, rarely, and not in day-to-day life anyway, but ever so often.

4) How do you decide who can be your wife, and who can only be your girlfriend? (my target now is to get married)
Through a series of punishing mental, physical and psychological challenges, fought to the death. The winner takes home a 2 carat rock and a lifetime of worrying he’s going to leave you for someone younger.
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