Boys III

27 Sep

So. The Chap has gone up to his parents’ for the week, leaving me all alone (with my mum). He only moved in about two months ago but it’s very weird already without him here. I’m spending tonight pottering around and half waiting for him to come home and deposit his suit jacket, shirt, braces and somehow several pairs of shoes about my room before the cacophony of his cyclist’s knees, elbows and anything else that can click or crunch as he gets into bed. Also he usually brings me wine so WTF?

As much as I have made a massive scene about living together I do really like it. I have a live-in spider catcher. Someone to pick me up for a bit if I’m feeling short. SOMEONE WHO BRINGS ME WINE. I feel a bit sad in the face that for a whole week it’s just going to be me, on my own, and I’ll have to pretend on Twitter that I actually have a life. Again.

BUT! A whole week to myself! Imagine all the horrible crap I can do without someone else watching! Only you don’t have to, because I’m writing it down for you:

Things I Can Do While My Boyfriend Is Away

Not Eat Dinner
I love food. I love it so much most of my clothes don’t fit. But a lot of the time I cannot be in any way bothered to make myself dinner. Most of the time I just want to come home and drink wine until I’m full and maybe have a bit of pre-sliced Jarlsberg.

Watch Terrible Television
I am 25 and an idiot. I don’t watch Question Time and tell people that it’s because whenever I do it makes me too angry but actually I just don’t even know when it’s on. I really miss Made In Chelsea. I pretend to like the news. I mean, I got Netflix just so I could watch House of Cards but it’s no Gossip Girl, is it? While the Chap is away I can just sit in bed in my pyjamas and watch back-to-back episodes of The O.C. and ask my mum what’s been going on in Coronation Street. I’m thinking of getting into The Only Way Is Essex just for something utterly dreadful to watch for a week.

Not Shave My Legs
Cannot. Be. Arsed.

Sleep In The Middle Of The Bed
I can’t tell you how lovely it is going to bed with someone every night (the same person! I know, right?!) and waking up with them every morning. But The Best Thing about this week is going to be having the bed all to myself. I won’t have to sleep right on the edge! No one is going to use half my pillow even though he has plenty! I don’t have to have a half-asleep fight half to the death just to keep my feet covered with the duvet. OMG it’s going to be AMAZING.

Put On Fake Tan
I am pale. Like, grave pale. I don’t mind this, in fact I quite like it. Though the older I get the more sins I realise a bit of a tan covers. I have a bottle of Garnier moisturiser with a ‘hint’ of fake tan in it which is brilliant – as long as you remember to a. rub it in properly and b. apply it properly. Which most of the time I don’t, because I tend to only think about doing it when I’m half cut. Also you can’t sit down or do anything at fucking all until it’s dry. Now I have evenings to myself I can do this. I can come home, slather it on my pasty Irish cornbeef legs and then just stand in the middle of my room, bored, for an hour until it’s safe to sit down.

Wear Massive Pants
They’re just really comfy. But I know that they are gross. I accidentally bought them in M&S when I was looking for black knickers and picked up the wrong packet. They’re like fucking hot pants. And I love them. To be honest I do this when the Chap is here too, but it’s nice to know that I’ve got some time where I don’t have to realise how awful they are.

Not Sign Out Of Everything On My Laptop
I hate having to log into Twitter every time I use my Mac. #middleclassproblems

Drink Cheap Lager
Him Indoors does not like lager. It’s too fizzy, too sweet and just a bit shit. So obviously it’s my favourite thing. Now I get to buy a crate of San Miguel and pretend to the man in the shop that it’s for my boyfriend. Like I did tonight.

Be Tidy
A mug on its side in the middle of the floor is not “the bedroom is tidy”. Whatever boys tell you. And, the most exciting bit, ALL THE DRAWERS AND CUPBOARDS WILL BE SHUT!

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