Lies We Tell Teenagers

29 Aug

We lie to teenagers all the time. (We being grown ups. I’m pretending to be one for the moment.) We have to, they’re idiots. It’s for their own good. But they deserve THE TRUTH!

Look at those eyebrows. And the Tippex bag.

Look at those eyebrows. And the Tippex bag.

Don’t worry about spots, you’re a teenager, they’ll go
Sorry, youth, but you can’t comfort yourself with that one. I am nearly 25 and at least once a month have some sort of pox upon my house. If my house were my face. I am an adult. I know, from experience, that if I squeeze a spot it will get 100 times worse and I will end up sobbing into the mirror desperately trying to layer concealer over the mess that was once my chin. And I still never leave them alone.

Don’t get a piercing you will regret it FOREVER while you stare at the mangled remains of your face
I had my nose pierced when I was 13 and my lip pierced when I was 14. By 15 I’d taken them out and even then all I was left with were tiny little holes. If you’re going to get a piercing DO IT WHEN YOU ARE A TEENAGER. There is nothing sadder than a 30-something with face jewellery. Or a belly button piercing straining to contain middle age spread.

Don’t smoke, it will ruin your life/skin
Who cares that when you’re 27 you may look like a shar pei? No one. The only thing that matters is looking older/cooler/more attractive to the opposite sex. You’re rebelling. Have a fag. But then give it up immediately on your 21st birthday as suddenly that’s when Old Father Time starts sucking away at your quickly fading youth. Also, teenagers don’t care if your mouth tastes like an ashtray. Sensible David from HR who earns a nice salary and has a good relationship with his mother does.

Don’t get a tattoo, you’ll be embarrassed by it later and you can’t get rid of them
This one is true. And you’re not Sam Cam.

Heartbreak may feel like the end of the world but it isn’t
Make the most of being able to wallow in a pool of your own snotty tears because a. you don’t have a job or have to remember to take the bins out and b. hormones. But this one is an odd one. When you are a teenager heartbreak isn’t the end of the world even though it feels like it, the older you get though the more it actually is because Real Life. You just can’t act like it. Even though we’ve all done mental things like repeatedly emailing your ex’s new girlfriend telling her you’re still engaged (for once this wasn’t me), it just makes you look like a total psycho. To everyone. So, don’t. Do it when you’re 15 and six weeks is a long term relationship.

Eat properly, you’re still growing
NO! EAT ALL THE CHEESEBURGERS! GET IT OUT OF YOUR SYSTEM. Your metabolism is amazing. Grown women can weep over this in an instant, almost on cue. You don’t know you’re bloody born. You’re able to drink beer, eat carbs, down six litres of proper Coke and still fit in to Topshop skinnies. Do you know how much effort this is now? No, you don’t. And I hate you for it.

School days are the best days of your life
Errrr, are they? You’re a goth who no one fancies, you’re constantly at war with everyone ever, no one understands you and when are you ever going to need to know the periodic table? *sob* How can anyone say that those are going to be better than swimming in the crystal clear Adriatic with the person you love/dancing to 3am in your friend’s living room while drinking Croatian woodworm spirits/no longer getting spots? Wait…
School is sort of great: you don’t have bills to pay, you don’t really have anything to worry about except over-plucking your eyebrows (that one carries on through to adulthood), your SATs really don’t matter and in a way it’s probably the easiest time of your life but best? No way.

You don’t know everything, you may think you do, but you don’t
You do. You know everything you need to. You know you would look good with ombre hair if only someone would lend you the cash for some Sun-In. You know that Ben got off with Poppy behind Jenny’s back at Alex’s free house. You know that you can write the answers to a maths test on your thigh and read it through your tights. You know that YOU DON’T NEED TO KNOW ANYTHING ELSE RIGHT NOW, YOU’RE A TEENAGER. Just enjoy it. Youth would be wasted on the old and sensible.

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