Television: The Apprentice – week five

23 Apr

Mankle: Making women sick since 1972

Yeah, yeah, yeah, late again. Stop going on about it.

Before I start on the actually programme I would just like to share with you the wheezy lols I had thanks to Lord Sugar tweeting that absolutely no one should vote for Ken Livingstone. If he can’t even get Labour onside… I actually have a lot more respect for Alan now, I mean, not enough to stop calling him Alan, but a bit more.

On the way to meet Lord Sugar in this episode talk in the cabs was of who had left, and how quickly the girls were disappearing.
“We’ll have to ship some more in.” cracked Adam. I’m not sure it’s that sort of business…

The teams head to York Hall, an East London gym. “Keeping cockneys fit for almost 100 years”, said the voiceover. If that isn’t already their tag line, it really should be.

This (last…) week’s task was to licence a new fitness trend to a leading health club. Seeing as Jade sounds as if she smokes at least 40 Woodbines a day this should be interesting.

“Just to speed things up guys…” Stephen has already picked himself as team leader. “No brainer.” Jesus, they actually agreed.

It’s Ricky Martin vs Jade over on whatever the other team is. For once, and let’s never mention this again, Ricky Martin was actually the better choice. Jade’s sad mad eyes were almost heart breaking.

“They call me the Fitness,” says Ricky Martin, telling us all about what is possibly the worst wrestling name ever. “You’ll always witness the fitness with Ricky Martin” he leered. If the actual Ricky Martin ever tires of living the vida loca being a Celebrity Gay Dad™ I really hope he releases a work out DVD of this name. Voice Over Man once again steals the scene by calling The Fitness “Lord of the ring.”

According to our Ricky Martin street dancing jumps out at everyone. If it did that to me I’d call the police.

Adam becomes obsessed with skipping. He thinks they should do skipping classes. How much do you have to want to burn your money to pay to be taught how to jump up and down while barely moving your hands?

Oh Mary mother of God. Of COURSE Ricky Martin has a weird barbed wire-y tribal tattoo on his arm. Of course he does. And trainers with no socks. You stick it to the man, Ricky Martin! The team are working on their fitness regime, Beat Battle (just… just don’t). I think it’s street dance and mixed martial arts? Or something equally loathsome.

Laura makes a massive show of how she “used to do some dancing”, like that annoying girl at school who always thought she was more attractive than she was. (I’d like to point out this wasn’t me. I was a fat teenager in black lipstick who once played Happy Birthday on the recorder at a friend’s party.)

The other team – I really can’t keep up – have decided to do some sort of retro workout. This involves them sitting on Space Hoppers a lot and fingering some Hula Hoops. Hot Tom points out that gyms may not want to spend a load of money on some children’s toys, and that storing them could be an issue. No one cares, though, as Hot Tom is hot and sensible.

Stephen has already come up with a name: Groove Train. Let’s hope he can spell this one.

Adam, Mad Eyes and Hot Tom are in charge of creating a video promo for the cramp-inducing Groove Train. Auditioning a wanker in Jack Wills cut-off jogging bottoms, Adam shows him some moves. The Funky Lunge. “Doing this with the claws”. I hope I develop a hideous disease that means I can never exercise again. I also hope it eats away at my memory so I don’t have to remember Adam’s shiny suit trousers straining over his crotch.

“Congratulations, well done on making the cut.” The next day Adam greets his dancers like he’s Peter Stringfellow. It’s a fucking promo tape for something that doesn’t exist, Adam. Not Starlight Express.

Showing Azhar in the video apparently means he has to wear hot pants. Something that makes me, and him, very uncomfortable. It seems to bring out Adam’s diva side. No one is sure what his role is, but it mainly seems to be pissing everyone off.

Nick, Laura and Duane are given the task of making Ricky Martin’s dreams come alive on film. Now, I really like Duane, but even I can see he is letting the power go to his head. Nick advises him that changing the moves for the promo is something they need to run past the project manager. Duane thinks this is a load of old twaddle, so goes ahead and does it anyway.

Ricky Martin is under the impression that his team are all BFFs. Luckily for him he isn’t in the cab with Nick, Duane and Laura. Duane starts off by telling them both how stressful the day was for him, essentially because they were both shit. Nick sits quietly as Laura and Duane fire shots back and forth before telling them to make up and shake hands. “Let’s not force it,” says Duane, prompting Nick to burst out laughing. He’s so wonderful. Like a Labrador.

Adam, a man who looks like he’d marry a brick, asks the camera whether Jade is thick or deaf. This task seems to be bringing out the absolute worst in people. Even Hot Tom is sulking.

Virgin Active aren’t very impressed with Ricky Martin’s Beat Battle (yep). This is because it’s basically just boxercise. No, no, says RM. It uses your knees more. Well, that told them.

You know what, the Groove Train video isn’t actually awful, for what it is. While one of the women from Fitness First looks as if she’s going to cry during it, she does ask about costs and seems impressed by Hot Tom’s pitch. BUT! She points out that the kit is clunky. Someone else asks where they’d keep it all. Hot Tom must be feeling both smug and incredibly worried.

Beat Battle fares a bit better at a low cost gym, after a live demonstration. Ricky Martin actually expressed himself quite well. At Fitness First he really shines. He gives them numbers and information and gets complimented on his answers.

Groove Train is still failing massively when it comes to all their “retro” crap. “Is this not just a kid’s class you’re trying to dress up as an adult class?” Thank God they didn’t actually make them sit on the Space Hoppers.

“The next workout… The boardroom.”
Groove Train SMACKED this task with an order from Fitness First amounting to £12,810. I can’t even remember what Beat Battle (that was team Sterling, since you ask) came in with because it was a PIDDLING amount compared to that.

I missed a lot of what happened when Ricky Martin et al headed back to the boardroom, I’m not going to lie. I just started thinking about Rihanna’s Rude Boy video and how much I wish I could run around in Jamaican-flag tassel-pants. They’d be all swishy whenever I moved. I wonder if they’d make a gentle, calming noise, like those horrible beaded curtains…

Laura and Duane stayed behind with their team leader in the boardroom, as Ricky Martin blamed their video for the loss of the task. Weirdly, Duane speaks up to say that Laura shouldn’t be there as she’d done everything asked of her. Maybe he’s feeling bad for refusing to make up with her in the cab. Or maybe he’s just worried she’ll start to cry and they’ll all drown in her eyeliner.

While chivalry isn’t dead, Duane’s shot himself in the foot. If it isn’t Laura’s fault, whose is it? Obviously he blames Ricky Martin, but it isn’t washing. Laura is on Duane’s side, but Alan is won over by how well Ricky Martin did in his pitches. And probably by his mesmerisingly groomed eyebrows.

The finger goes up… Bye Duane, you’re fired.

Back at the house Ricky Martin is back to his usual obnoxious self. “Lord Sugar knows who I am.” Yeah, you’re on his TV show. SHHH NOW, EYEBROWS!

That's a sweatband, by the way

Wednesday’s episode looks intriguing. Selling food to the Scots. I hope it’s deep fried.

WHY ISN'T IT EVEN?! I DID MATHS TO MAKE THIS!

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2 Responses to “Television: The Apprentice – week five”

  1. FilmFan1971 April 23, 2012 at 10:30 pm #

    ““Keeping cockneys fit for almost 100 years”, said the voiceover. If that isn’t already their tag line, it really should be.”

    Actual lols. Good work. I feel bad for telling you who went now. Glad you got as much joy out of Nick cracking up as I did.

  2. mattdupuy April 25, 2012 at 12:59 pm #

    I must confess that I don’t watch this programme, and have instead been relying on Sarah’s excellent updates to keep me informed of what I’m missing while I lie by this pool having enormous cocktails brought to me by girls in grass skirts*. However, even I know that your chances of being fired will increase exponentially if you talk up the other person up for being fired. So ten out of ten for sportsmanship, Duane, but nought out of ten for getting it.

    *May not actually be true.

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