Television: The Apprentice – week four

16 Apr

I’ve been spelling Duane’s name wrong for the last two posts. Am I going to change it? AHAHAHA. Oh, you.

It’s episode four (Jesus, it’s already been a month) and the teams are challenged to go out and sell someone else’s old crap for lots of money.

Sugar moved Ricky Martin to Stirling in this week’s and Phoenix got to drown in Jane’s bog of Irish misery.  This episode made me want to cut my own face off almost immediately after the term “up-cycling” was used.

Finally though, they’ve let Hot Tom talk. Whoooo. Only, I think he might be quite nice, so he won’t be back on camera any time soon.

I’m not even going to mention the bit where Laura said it was difficult being an attractive business woman.

Adam, Stephen and Katie head to an auction house in Greenwich which looks almost entirely populated by Guardian readers who have forgotten to get dressed.  Tom gave them £200 to pick up some junk, telling them they should try and spend as little as possible.  I’d have thought this was quite good advice and a bit of a moot point, but according to the Whinge Club he’s a tool who makes terrible decisions.  Right Hand Man Nick points out that they should have argued for more money, and probably bought more than THREE THINGS.  But hey ho. Adam’s going through some bins, so what could go wrong?

Laura’s team (I think that’s Stirling? Is it? Who cares?) head to Tooting to go through some junk shops.  Ricky Martin keeps trying to buy the legs off chests which just seems a bit… fucking stupid.  Laura also insists on buying a broken table. I just don’t know what’s happening.  Possibly the best shot of this episode was Bald Junk Shop Man grinning like a loon as these idiots drove off with half his shop.

Just to be clear, I have no idea who is project managing each team. I think Hot Tom must be managing Phoenix? Anyway, he’s at a car boot sale with Mad Jade and Azhar the Business Killer Whale and seems to be the only one not desperate to buy broken crap. Shattered mirror anyone? Sold to the man in the mustard cords!

Laura’s girls keep going on about shabby chic.  Laura suggests they rubbish up a perfectly good table.  All the furniture in my house is shit, shall I start calling it shabby chic?

Up-cycling is my new Belissimo (sic)®.

Why does everyone keep buying old suitcases? Is this a trendy thing I’ve totally missed?  Stephen actually managed to do a deal for Phoenix at a junk shop, but I really have no idea how. Every time I see him I just drift off and think of exciting ways to kill myself so I miss all his bits.  (This one was ‘learn to shoot a shotgun, barrel in my mouth, with my toes.)

Yaaay, Laura is buying up a dead person’s furniture at a house clearance! When I die I am going to make sure to stipulate in my will that absolutely none of my possessions end up on the Apprentice.

“There is a well known expression: Don’t look a gift horse in the eye.” Dwayne’s been hanging around the glue factory again

 Oh dear Hot Tom.  Setting up shop in East London, his team’s Brick Lane space looks more like a crappy community theatre stage than anything. Maybe that’s how they could win this task: renting it out to Vice Magazine’s theatre club. I bet they have one. They probably do rap productions of The Mousetrap set in a bedsit in Hackney.

“I’m going to try and fit in with the Brick Lane crew, so I’m probably going to wear something pretty old that doesn’t fit.”
Dwayne is back in the good books

“I’ve got no clue on this. I don’t buy this shit”. Nick pretty much summed up how this is going to go I think. Tom’s team have already started selling a load of old rubbish out of the Theatre Shop, but Laura has Gabby, who is already marking stuff up at £140 and they haven’t even opened. When they finally do people actually refuse to come in. Jesus Christ. I once stole my dad’s newspapers and set up a corner shop in my bedroom and did better than this.

In the boardroom I realised that I genuinely love Hot Tom.  “I don’t have a bad word to say about any of my team.”  These are the sort of people who should be in business, rather than Jane and her weird frizzy ginger highlights and moan face.

In the end Phoenix came in with a profit of £1063.40. In your face, Stirling and your measly £783.49.  Can we just fire everyone please?

Laura lays the blame with Gabrielle, for buying loads of material to, urh, up-cycle with and Jane, for only selling ten pounds worth of tat. Unsurprisingy Jane makes her standard hard-done-by face.

BITCH FIGHT! Jesus, this was like being back at school, just without the Tippex-ed rucksacks.  (The amount of eye make-up was the same.)

In the end Alan made a decision between Jane and Laura. And guess what? Jane, you’re foired.

"Genuwinely" not my best work

Crying in the cab on the way home Jane said that she would be successful in everything that she does. Apart from the Apprentice, obvs.

I cannot tell you what a pain this was to make

Pictures © BBC Picture Publicity

2 Responses to “Television: The Apprentice – week four”

  1. mattdupuy April 17, 2012 at 10:58 am #

    You genuinely have no idea how happy I am that you watch this programme so that I don’t have to. They seem to be the sorts of people that make me wish that firearms were more readily available in this country. You’re doing us all a great service.

    In other news, I was in Dalston market the other day when Ken came and set up a podium to make a speech with a megaphone. That’s Ken trying to shout to people to persuade them to vote for him, in an environment where people make their living from shouting to try and persuade customers to buy things. The result was a predictable volley of good-natured ‘Boo!’s, ‘Shut up!’s and ‘Fuck off!’s that totally drowned out whatever message Ken may have been trying to put across. End result: Market traders 1, Ken 0. It was very funny and I wish you had been there.


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