Television: The Apprentice – week three

12 Apr


Bloody hell I’ve been a slack Susan.  I missed the last two episodes of the Apprentice because I was out having a social life. I know, right?!

Anyway. Episode three. Alan mixed it up by shoving Katie in with the Phoenix boys and replacing her with Dwayne and Nick.  The girls made some wonderfully bitchy comments about the fact that she’s the “only one” they’ve had problems with, which is a little ridiculous seeing as she’s the one who came up with the Tap Cosy the week before, rather than Bath Prison.

The task was creating a new condiment, and the girls were not very happy with Dwayne when he put himself forward to be project manager. Once again Jane made a face like a slapped fish and once again I realised how much I dislike her.

Poor old Katie. When putting herself forward to lead the team the boys all but laughed in her face. When they did relent and give her a go the woeful Ricky Martin stepped up to take charge of the subs team, essentially to fuck her over. A quick thing about Ricky Martin: please can someone tell him to get rid of his ridiculous ring? It looks like an elastic band and for some reason seems to make his make up even more obvious.

Call me sheltered but not once have I ever referred to anything as ‘table sauce’, but according to Phoenix it’s what I need in my life.  For the first time in the series something seemed to actually get done quickly, with everyone agreeing.

Not so for the team stuck with Jane though, surprise surprise.  Yes, okay, she is in the food business, she knows what she’s talking about but just STFU. I don’t care if you don’t want to do chutney. Your childish little toddler faces make me want to go out and buy a lifetime’s supply of the sodding stuff.

Not only were the girls’ names for the chutney just purely awful, nothing annoys me more than grown women with twee little girls voices. “Chucky Chutney” suggested Gabrielle, nearly choking on her own cutesiness.  Jade’s face is massively bothering me. I don’t know why.

While Phoenix weren’t so twee I’ve just realised what a spivvy pratt Stephen is.  Yes, his name, Bellissimo, was actually all right but he killed it with: “That word, I believe, is either with a B, or a V.” …?

Names aside can we just all do a collective WTF at Dwayne’s team’s pineapple chilli chutney? Luckily they had happy-go-lucky numbers wizard Jane doing the figures. Were we inundated with a MILLION tonnes of crap chutney? Thankfully not.  When the gang finally tasted their sample condiment there turned out to be enough chilli in it to kill Dwayne. A cunning plan by Jane perhaps.

OH STEPHEN! PLEASE STOP USING AN ITALIAN ACCENT! “It either means beautiful or fantastic. I’m not one hundred percent sure.” Excellent. With a simple and actually quite nice label chosen by Katie, you would think Phoenix were once again winning, only they’ve managed to fuck up enough table sauce to fill over a hundred bottles.  I have no idea what Adam meant by “it’s boiling like an omelette!” but I did agree that Ricky Martin, in charge, should have acted with “less haste, more speed.”

Lord Sugar has set up each team with a meeting with Partridges, a high-class grocer.  Wouldn’t it be nice if it just went well and all the candidates weren’t idiots?

Jade has mad eyes. That’s what it is.

Seriously Stephen, I can’t cope. Stop saying bellissimo.  After what was surprisingly a good pitch Partridges’ point something out. They’ve spelt bellissimo wrong.  “We checked it!” well, no, you obviously didn’t. Shame they’d already had all the labels printed.

Stirling rocked up to their meeting to pitch the invisible InFusion.  In the cab on the way there Jade, Nick and Gabrielle tried to come up with random words to describe it and failed.  Partridges were not impressed, strangely.  I think I might be in love with Nick.

Unfortunately Belissimo (sic) ® becomes almost completely solid when it cools, and Phoenix lost nearly a fifth of their product even after Ricky Martin decided to bottle everything they’d spilt. Yum.

Why does Jade keep scraping her hair back? So I can see her mad eyes better?

While selling Belissimo (sic) ® at Westfield Stratford Ricky Martin and Stephen both seemed incredibly creepy. Then again, they sold an awful lot. TACI, STEPHEN!

Oooh Michael… After refusing to go four pence under Katie’s recommended trade price, and losing Phoenix a sale, Azhar and Adam stage a coup.  MUTINY!

Partridges agreed to see Stirling again to finally taste their chutney. Resulting in an order of 300 jars at £1.70 each this was pretty well done.  Do these shops actually go on to sell the crap they get off this lot?

Once again Katie’s team’s spelling mistake is pointed out, and by the end of the day they’ve resorted to hawking their ketchup in corner shops. 20 Richmond menthol and a bottle of Belissimo (sic)®, please.

Both teams were left with stock unsold, how’s that going to go down in the boardroom?

Weirdly well. WHERE WAS THE SHOUTING, ALAN?  While he wasn’t impressed with Stirling taking nothing with them to their pitch at Partridges, there was laughter all round when it came to their shitty first batch of poison.

Stop. Profit time.  Phoenix sold 305 bottles, making a profit of £585.56. Oooh.  Stirling, those old time losers came in with 607 bottles sold and a profit of, drum roll please, £1028.06.  The girls actually won something. Jesus.

Katie brought Michael and Ricky Martin back to the boardroom with her, where it was all pretty damning.  As the blame came slowly to rest on the cockney sparrow he began arguing that the whole thing was about class and that he wasn’t as well educated than the other two. Wha’? What is it with everyone and their hard graft stories. Yawn.

Bye bye Michael. You are fired.

Arrivederci, candidates! See you next episode when you’re trying to flog some second hand crap you found in a skip!

PhotoShop Skillz

Pictures © BBC Picture Publicity
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