Television: Made in Chelsea

7 Jun

I have many a guilty pleasure – most of which I embarrassingly don’t feel the least bit guilty about, but do pretend to.  These include religiously watching the Neighbours omnibus every weekend, lusting over Tom Hollander in In The Loop when he’s watching a documentary on sharks in his shirt, tie, boxers and socks, and spending ridiculous amounts of money in Waitrose.

I would love to count Made in Chelsea (or, as my friend Charlotte and I have christened it, MinC – pronounced mink rather than mince as Mummy Duggers insists on calling it) as a guilty pleasure, but I just can’t. Not one thing on the face of this earth could stop me shouting my love for this programme from the rooftops, whatever everyone else says about it.

For the uninitiated, MinC is a “documentary” following a group of people who are apparently part of the Chelsea (surprise!) set.  All it really follows is their relationships, which are all with each other, obviously.  These are all conducted in Raffles (where none of them are members…), on shoots and in expensive looking restaurants where there never seem to be any staff but the food and drink magically appear on the table.

Lots of people seem to hate MinC on principal, because they’re all posh, and I think that’s just as awful as me refusing to watch The Only Way is Essex because I don’t want to watch a load of orange chavs having things stuck on, and in, their vaginas.  The programme itself so, so scripted and fake (watch episode two for Caggie’s incredible shirt change on Southbank), but somehow terribly addictive.

One of the boys I work with proved just how compulsive MinC viewing is by watching one just to ‘see what I was going on about’.  He ended up watching three hours of it and spent the whole fifth episode texting me to discuss Caggie’s onesie obsession and to wonder who looks after Funda’s dog.

Here is my guide to Made in Chelsea…

Main girl, 21-year-old Caggie Dunlop went to Le Strasberg Film and Theatre Institute in New York, but you really wouldn’t know it from her acting. According to the grapevine, she is an aspiring singer-songwriter. The one gig we have seen her play was just covers and no one really cared because we were more interested in what happened afterwards with her will-they-won’t-they…

Spencer Matthews. Spencer is an OE who used to be a PR manager for London clubs but now works as a broker (hmmm).  The keen marathon runner, snowboarder and skydiver has been linked to Tara Reid, though I’m really not sure that’s something I would boast about.  Apart from all the flirting with Caggie, Spencer actually (and I use that in the loosest possible way) has a live-in girlfriend…


Funda Onal
.  Everyone seems to think that Funda is Brazilian; she’s actually from Turkey.  She grew up in Sheffield, which you can definitely tell (accent and giant hoop earrings are a dead giveaway).   She moved to London to join Italia Conti and is a successful “model and dancer”.  Successful means you’d know her if you were a connoisseur of tummy tuck adverts.  To be fair to her she is a good dancer and has appeared in Calvin Harris and Tinie Tempah videos.  She’s pretty good at martial arts and has done a weird thing on a website called KickassKandy.com – take note, Spencer – which is sort of clothed porn for strange men.  We know this as she sent a video to…

One of the girls, Rosie Fortescue, who showed it to Caggie.  Rosie and Caggie are best friends. The 21-year-old has completed a History of Art degree at Goldsmiths and is doing a placement at a London gallery.  She has a dog called Noodle, who, in a recent episode, had to see a dog therapist. Of course… Rosie also likes calling almost everything under the sun “offensive”, but went up in my estimation when she also branded a photo of herself offensive.  Unfortunately she goes right down again due to being about to set up a style blog with BFF…

Amber Atherton.  Amber owns her own online jewellery boutique called, vommingly, MyFlashTrash.  She also runs a brand consultancy business.  I have no idea how this is possible after what I’ve just told you about her boutique.  Amber is apparently a mole person. In five episodes I’m not sure I’ve ever seen her eyes.   I think Amber is a massive bitch (“Hello pot, meet kettle…”) mainly for the fact she acted like a giant cow on the date she reluctantly went on with…

Spencer’s best friend, and the brains behind MinC, Hugo Taylor.  The Old Harrovian heads up an entertainment PR firm that has absolutely never been mentioned on the programme.  Hugo had a massive thing for Queen of the Mole People, who invited Rosie on their only date.  This turned out to be a good thing for Hugo as he then realised that she was the girl for him.  And then promptly got off with…


Millie Mackintosh
, Caggie’s other bestie.  I am pretty sure that Millie has either had a stroke, or is addicted to sleeping pills. I’m not sure that her mouth opens more than half an inch. Millie is a working make up artist, but only ever seems to be dabbing ineffectually at male models’ chests.  I will say one thing for Millie; she does get humorously drunk.  But she gets a big boo for getting off with Hugo when she knew Rosie liked him.  She was also very mean when…

She crushed Francis Boulle’s dreams by telling him Caggie would never, ever go out with him.  Francis is my absolute favourite.  He is a 22-year-old diamond mining heir (swoon), who often turns up in Tatler’s annual Little Black Book.  He is studying for a degree in International Business but MinC likes to pretend he runs a diamond mine from an office empty of both staff and computers.  He has a “hot” Eastern European intern called Agne.  I have my fingers crossed that she gets deported soon.  She recently went on a date with…
Fredrik Ferrier, after he won her in a poker game. Which really says it all about Agne.  Long-haired Fred also went on a date with Millie, which was strange, awkward and full of clichéd innuendo involving popping champagne corks (while I may only go to half-arsed restaurants, I have never once had to open a bottle of fizz myself).  Fred is half Icelandic, something he seems to be trying to tell us by growing his blonde hair down to his nipples.  He and best friend Francis are actually terribly funny, as you can see here. Fred is also quite clever.  He taught himself to play the piano and is in his third year of a music and languages degree at Bristol.  Surprise, surprise, FF is also a model.  But a very kind one who…

Offered advice including “stop wearing all the make up” to Ollie Locke, when he came to Fredrik to enquire about getting into modeling. Ollie has an obsession with fake tan and even has a video on the E4 page instructing fellow men on grooming.  Ollie works as a VIP host for Whisky Mist – and not Raffles, as we were lead to believe in the first episode before the Daily Mail burst that bubble. He seems like someone I should utterly hate, but I have surprised everyone, including myself, by loving him (though not in quite the same way I love Francis).  While Ollie is camper than a row of tents he does have a lady in his life…

Gabriella Ellis, of course, had a number one single in Greece with her cover of Hit the Road Jack.  She’s trying to launch a pop career in the UK, but as we only ever see her doing sound checks in the technician-free Café de Paris and practicing on her piano in a bare white room, I’m not sure she’s set for take off.  I wasn’t a huge fan of Gabby’s at first, and refused to call her anything but Jaw due to her under bite, which now makes me feel very mean.  Gabby’s relationship with Ollie has been rather tempestuous, not helped by the fact he kept inviting his two girl-BFFs everywhere, including the birthday holiday Gabby organised for him, which went a bit down hill when they turned up.  Only…

One of them, Cheska Hull seemed to wonder whether turning up on a couple’s romantic get away was the best idea. But whatever she decided, she ended up in a hot tub with them anyway.  Cheska works for Matchbox Magazine and sashayed into episode one by writing a blog about a launch for Amber Mole Person’s tackily named business. (Rosie described it as “offensive”, obvs.)  I do really, really like Cheska. She is the absolute spit of Princess Diana, just a stockier version.  She and…

Binky Felstead are Ollie’s best friends.  Binky works front of house for an investment company, but how she manages I’ve no idea.  This is a girl who thought Charles Dickens wrote Winnie the Pooh.  While Binky is as sharp as a teaspoon I do like her.  She and Ollie have become particularly close over his relationship problems.  We bumped into one of her ex boyfriends when she and Cheska crashed Ollie and Ja… sorry, Gabriella’s skiing holiday.  Turns out a friend of mine knows him. How exciting.

There are lots of other minor characters who keep popping up in Chelsea, but in all honestly, no one gives a shit.

Made In Chelsea is on E4 at 10pm on Monday nights.

Watch on 4oD

Pictures © Channel Four Pictures
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