To kick off

6 Dec

My friend Katie Khan, who you can find here, has written a rather wonderful blog post on inappropriate crushes. In a bout of flagrant plagiarism I thought that doing something “similar” would be a nice introduction.

Jeremy Clarkson

I have fancied Jeremy Clarkson for approximately seven years. My friend Alex introduced me to Top Gear by getting me hammered in her flat when I was 16 and sticking it on the day after as perfect hangover telly. Twenty minutes later I was hooked.
I love his shouty demeanor, the un-PC rants, the jeans. I tremble when I watch him drive with no hands at 120mph while he’s telling me how the traction* feels.
While this crush could just classify as embarrassing and a bit sad it’s also massively weird and worryingly inappropriate. This became clear when I moved out and in with three boys. My mum had come over to stock the fridge when we first moved in and the boys were setting up their huge TV so I could watch Top Gear. After making some cracks about my Clarkson love my mum started laughing. “You realise he is basically your dad?” I laughed. Of course Jeremy wasn’t anything like my dad!
Unfortunately my dad then walked in. The boys all stopped laughing. Standing in front of them was a tall man, late middle age (Papa Duggers is weathering well for a 64 year old), entirely dressed in M&S Blue Harbour. Light jeans a fraction too high, pale blue shirt, top button undone. I stared, horrified.
But I still fancy Jeremy Clarkson.
Verdict: Psychologically troubling, embarrassing and disturbing on many levels.

The Guy Who Used To Play Declan In Neighbours Before He Left To Join The Army And Was Replaced By Someone Rubbish

Neighbours is my not-so-secret addiction. Since the BBC dropped it and Five picked it up I’ve absolutely adored it – due to the omnibus. Thanks to discovering the pub and various jobs my good friends on Ramsay Street became something akin to distant relatives, the ones your parents always mention and assumed you remember even though the last time you saw them was Christmas 1992. Until the Neighbours omnibus came about I couldn’t have told you how Toadie’s law practice was getting on or how many illegitimate children Karl Kennedy had.
When I rejoined our chums Down Under Declan Napier had popped up. Short, slightly stocky, dark and handsome. Punchy, deep and moody. Just how I like ‘em.
Now please don’t get me wrong, I’m too shallow to drown, but it wasn’t just his looks that did it for me. I fell for the actual character.
I went to a party one evening and flirted awfully with a boy there simply because he reminded me of Declan From Neighbours. Though I will admit that I actually quite fancied the boy in question (when he answered his phone with ‘hello mummy’ I melted).
Then the unthinkable happened. The actor who played Declan left to join the Australian army. Rather than kill him off or move him to the UK where most of the Neighbours cast seem to go when they leave Erinsboroigh, the producers decided to replace him with a new actor.
I felt betrayed. Why would they do this to me? To add insult to injury New Declan is just not my type at all.
Verdict: I must get out more

Prince Phillip

This one isn’t really a crush as such. I’d quite like Prince Phillip to be my humorously racist granddad. Wouldn’t he be absolutely wonderful at Christmases? A few sherries and he’d be telling filthy stories over the stuffing and insulting cousin John’s new girlfriend, Parvati.
But he’s in this list because if he asked, I would. I mean he is basically King after all.
Verdict: There really isn’t any hope for me.

Stan from American Dad!

Apart from the main issue of Stan Smith being a fictional character I think the biggest problem in our relationship would be his ink running during love making.
Verdict: Ours is an impossible love.

To be continued…

*It should be made clear that I know nothing about cars and have little to no idea what traction is. Is traction something?


One Response to “To kick off”

  1. Sarah Duggers January 3, 2011 at 12:26 am #

    I’d like to make it clear that the Declan-from-Neighbours lookalike didn’t answer the phone to ME with ‘hello mummy’.


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